Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
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