3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
my nick name has gotton too long over the years..C.T.P.S.G.F.P.G.......cock tease private school groupie frat party groupie.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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