Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
does wine, beer, and vodka mix well??
dude, everything can mix, this is college.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
