Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
