Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize