i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Randomize
