I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
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