We walked 2 miles, legit 2 miles, and purchased 7 half gallons. One for each of us. Intense
My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
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