I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Alcohol and video games. A solid Friday night. Even before covid
Randomize
