I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
I need a burrito and a hug.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
