WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Randomize
