I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Randomize
