We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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