Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
I am never drinking with the goths again.
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