I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Randomize
