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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
