I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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