So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
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