You don't have asthma, your pregnant
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Randomize
