when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize