Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
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