I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Randomize
