I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Randomize
