I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
Randomize
