Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
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