so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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