just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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