I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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