Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
