I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
