My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
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