....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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