Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
Guys are so much hotter at OU. Come my mating season, I am flying south like the geese in the wintertime.
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Randomize
