Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
Randomize
