i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
Randomize
