I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
So pretty much, I was trying to piece last night together and remembered a point where I was pointing to you heart then touching your face. I'm not sure that I ever translated that to "I like your personality better than your looks" but that's what I meant
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
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