They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Randomize
