well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
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