i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
