I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
