My room smells like vodka and shame
I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Randomize
