my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Randomize
