The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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