cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
Randomize