It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
Randomize
