I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
Randomize
