i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
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