just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
