He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Randomize
