i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
