Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Randomize
