just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize