YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
