some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
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