Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
