I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
whose parrot is this?
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
I had to cum in my sink.
Randomize
