I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
Randomize
