It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize
