I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Randomize
